If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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