You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
