i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
