If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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