Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
