I'm so fucking centered right now
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
