Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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