She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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