'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
