"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
40s are totally the cure
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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