i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize