I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
never play flip cup with pint glasses
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
