Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
