I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
