There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
