My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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