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I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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