I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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