Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
