Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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