grandma shit on top of the toilet
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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