Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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