Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
