I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize