there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
