I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
