living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
