Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
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