Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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