I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize