yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
