she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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