Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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