your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize