You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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