after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
