I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
