I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
