Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
