No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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