I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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