i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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