You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
