I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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