Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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