If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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