can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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