i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
