I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
