I think I died a long time ago.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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