She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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