we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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