I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Randomize
