***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
