i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
