we're blogging at a bar
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
