She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
