i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
