Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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