The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
